Blargh

Oh,why can't men be allowed that occasional one day for the day just to be about them? Where they can behave like a man feels, even though he shouldn't,  but deep inside all men want to be able to. To whine, be moody, and just be an affection whore, and be mollycoddled, and not be afraid of being viewed as any less of a man or even suffer any repercussions because of it. But hey, we can't do that. That's not what men do. We're strong. We're the rock. We're the unshakable trunk that must take charge or at the very least be solid. And most of the time, most of us are. But don't we get a break? I guess not.

Lucked Out

I thought you ruined my life.I thought I would just have to give up on the entire institution of love.I thought that there wasn't any meaning to life anymore.I wanted to give up because I thought that if it hurt this much,it could happen again.Funny how you were my whole life,when I was just 14/15,when we weren't even a couple,without us even taking it further than a "I miss you" and talking to each other everyday.Oh,how green was I? I kind of fooled myself into this state of mind where I was in the relationship in my head when I had not even told you that I liked you.Though,I didn't think it needed to be said,like you yourself said,it was beyond obvious.

I was angry at myself for being so uninformed and not knowing what the natural order of these things were.I was angry at myself for being so slow in asking you to be with me exclusively.I was angry at myself for being so laid back in the matter,thinking that there was nothing to worry about.I was angry at myself for not doing anything even though there were moments of clarity where I did realise there was something to be worried about.I was angry at myself for saying yes to my best friend when he asked me if it was okay for him to start talking to you.I was angry at myself for being the one of the reasons behind my best friend getting together with you.

I was angry at you because you expected me to bare out everything that I wanted when you didn't budge an inch.I was angry at you because you didn't reject my best friend outright.I was angry at you because you didn't wait for me.I was angry at you because you didn't choose me.I was angry at you because in my head we were technically together and you getting together with him was like "cheating" as ridiculous as it sounds or even dumping me to be with my best friend.I was angry because I was an immature 15 year old who was just heartbroken by his first love,and in quite the spectacular fashion if I do say so myself.

Looking back,I can honestly say that I am no longer at myself or you.I was young and I didn't know any better.I'm big enough of a man to say that I was at fault and you were not.I am sorry for the unscrupulous drama that unfolded.I am sorry for my immaturity.

But,apologies aside,I must also thank you.I am extremely grateful towards you.I am grateful because that particular event was the catalyst that enabled me to mature as an individual.I am grateful because you helped me realise what kind of person I want to be.I am grateful because you helped me realise what kind of person do I want to be with.And finally,I am grateful because you helped me realise that the kind of person I want to be with is almost nothing like you.

Watching your relationship with my best friend play out kinda opened my eyes to the fact that I was incredibly lucky to not have been in a relationship with you.I am so grateful that I received the long end of the stick and was hurt in the short-run rather than further down the road.I had a front row seat in seeing how you grew up and played the "girlfriend" role,and now I look back and think WHOOOOAAAAA,I DODGED A BULLET THERE.

And so I wanted to try being just friends with you but surprise surprise,now that I've grown up a tad,I don't find it very stimulating being your friend.Though I will admit there is something about you that is fascinating.You have a spark that intrigues me.I find it attractive and fascinating because I have found no other girl that has that spark.You draw me in and still do,granted,its not in the same way you used to. But that doesn't redeem you of the plethora of things that make me glad that you did not choose me.

In conclusion,I don't really care anymore whether or not you stay in my life.I'm glad to say,I don't need you.

I am happy.

Abandoned?

Aaah,the smell of a neglected blog.Refreshing it is.Makes me want to....go back to Tumblr,but I shall try to resist the urge.Its hard to find inspiration when your being pelted with books,left,right and center.Alas,examination hangs over me like an ominous guillotine.Lets hope the stress is at its peak or I might just...........

Got Milk?

Now before we go on,I would like to fulfill a request made by a dear friend of mine.

FF-related it is Sean :)

Aaaaah yes,Final Fantasy.How I've missed thee dear chum.An enduring partner in helping me get through the food deprived month.

I think I just might be the only person that hasn't played Final Fantasy 13.To some of you,this might seem petty and you may say "So?" but being an FF-fanatic,this is an incredible act of shame on my part.I have marred my perfect SquareEnix record.

Moving on! :)

I have my eyes set.She has curves that could kill.She looks as fine as lemon lime in the summer time.And I'm hoping she sounds just as good as she looks.I'll be looking forward to the day where I finally get my hands on that body and caress that supple neck.Twist her knobs....Wait,wait,wait,before you get carried away,you should know what I'm talking about.....pfft,pervs.

Classic Series 70s Stratocaster®, Maple Fretboard , Natural

Mmmm,look at that beauty.Keeping in mind that I'm a noob when it comes to guitars,I took the advice of a dear friend of mine and made myself a list.And this one is sure as hell going on the list.I have close to no knowledge when it comes to parts,sounds and technicalities,so I wont even try to list out and explain the specs of the guitar at risk of self embarrassment :)

So,I think I've fulfilled my daily quota of mindless, direction-less,ranting.Hope inspiration will not fail me this time around.Till the next selectively random post.

CIAOX

Validation

I don't understand my incessant need for approval.It's as if I need to be validated for every little thing I do,every little thing I think up or the way I see things.What vexes me even more,is that I do things my way anyway,despite what anybody else might say.So,yes,it confuses me why I look for approval and throw it aside like yesterdays ham-sandwich once I get it or couldn't care less if if I didn't.I cant put it in words,how this feels like,so I'm afraid this will be a half-assed description.

Hmm,I've found that blogging can be very therapeutic.

Went to the AGAPE church.....wait,let me finish before you judge me :)..to watch a play."Bow the Knee" it was tittled.Very good it was.Hats off to the choir,who,personally,was mind blowing.Acting and singing was all good.And while I was watching,a certain SEXY of mine went back to the "Land of Excessive Methane Emissions".Went MAMAK(Malaysia's saving grace) after that.It was all good fun.

Ahhh,as the year progresses,the analogical cloud of my depression seems to just grow darker.Though I highly doubt that the "massive turnaround" I was hoping for,is going to happen.It's all downhill from here baybeh!

Well,at least until December :)

Till next time,

CIAOX

Patience Wears Thin

Today has only reinforced the desire of breaking the cage,spitting on it and flying away.The frequency of my returns shall be most debatable.It has been made quite obvious that what is right and what is wrong does not matter anymore.It's all about keeping them good and happy for now.

Exploration Is A Wonderful Thing

True,I am bored to death.

True,I despise having to study.

True,SPM is looming over me like Godzilla's really fat mother.

True,I don't exactly have as much freedom as I used to.

But,I am content :) My world is upright now.

My life is no longer a puzzle where all the pieces don't fit.

For now,I got my head on right.Nothing to do with my

"I know what I want to do with my life"post though.

A completely different matter.

Well,it's been ages since my last proper post.The last one was just lyrics,so it doesn't count :) I think I've made it clear from the above that I'm in a good place in my life now.And dayumm does it feel good! XD The only wish I have is that I could rid myself of the constant buzz-kill,namely,SPM and I could have the party,friends and freedom to compliment this feeling :D But,alas,I shall have to slog it out for another 8 months.

Well,a certain SEXY of mine is coming back in about 5 days,so,thats something to look forward too :D Thank god I made a deal with my parents,for the 2 weeks my Guitar Overlord returns,I shall be released from my cage and shall gleefully dance and skip around the lands.I know it sounds gay.Don't judge me :D

Well,I think I better stop here,at risk of sounding redundant.

Till the next post,

CIAOX

The Emo Express

The Scientist - Coldplay

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start

Prisoner

I feel oppressed.I feel like an animal.I feel like I've been thrown into a cage.

Hypocritical,unreasonable,overbearing parents have left me no choice but to resign myself to a life of a hermit.

Looks like the only sanctuary I have available is,my room,and how sad of a prospect that seems to be.

FML,truely.

CIAOX

Found

All At Once-The Fray

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you had her maybe you lost her to another
To another

Owh,how this song speaks volumes to me :D LOL

RACE

Owh hello! :D I'm feeling quite at ease today.Sleep does wonders I suppose.Usually I'd still be in bed staring at the celling ruminating on my life.But I felt like I should make this a productive day.So I went running for about an hour at 7,got back around 8,had some beef bacon,took a shower,waited for my computer to slowly wheeze to life,Google Chrome :D But actually I didn't have anything to blog about today,until I felt the sudden urge of egalitarianism as I remembered a conversation I had with Richard.So,today I shall be ranting o about Race,keeping in line with my blogs "random" agenda :D

I don't see the need of differentiation or classification of race.White,black,brown,yellow,pink,blue-ish green,magenta,we are still just people.We keep seeing how race does nothing but create conflict and acts as a rift between people.Take for example,HITLER.Nearly wiped out the Jews,and why? because he wanted to create "The Perfect Race" or something along those lines.In Malaysia itself,every race sneers and looks down upon each other,judging others as if they were the very gods themselves.Arrogance and a superiority complex,thats what racial classification gives you.I've come across Malaysian's who've said "Be careful of that guy,he looks like bad news and plus he's (insert Race here).It brings a bad taste to my mouth to hear comments like these and it only disturbs me more to know that for a good portion of my life,I might have been exactly like that.It is gonna be an awesome day when everybody learns to look past skin colour and place of origin.But I guess that will never happen,because human beings are creatures who are naturally prone to pride and stupidity.

Random enough?LOL XD Owh well,I'm hungry now.Until the next selectively random post.

CIAOX

Hush Now

My silent resolution, I'm going to stick to it.Time to save what I have left of myself and reset. I took my calming breath and now for the next step....

Pretty bad,I reckon

2010 sucks.....and its only February!

Owh how I wonder what the next "glorious" 10 months are gonna bring me.Right,SPM =.=" forgot about that tiny lil detail.Ngeh.

But I suppose the holidays are kinda "okay".But its kinda sad that its ending on quite a sour note,Edoria's leaving again and debate season is on its way.

I've just run dry recently.The blogging juice has kinda run out.I think its cause I dont have much to blog about.I could go on blogging about school and homework and all that shit but I'm guessing thats gonna get EXTREMELY redundant after awhile.

So,with high hopes that this year will have a massive turnaround,I end this ridiculously hopeless post.

FAIL

CIAOX

Nuisance+Resolution

There is a new breed of pest plaguing the land.It be called "Plague-of-the-overly obnoxious-and-conceited-13 year-olds".Truly a fearsome lot.

Keeping to the resolution and not letting the "little" things bother me.Hmm,the irony.

My "Plate"

The phrase "Too much on my plate",hmm,lets put it this way.I cant even see my plate anymore =.=" Overwhelmed with things to do,I feel like my brain just might melt.On a totally unrelated note,why the hell am I taking Additional Mathematics,Chemistry,Biology,Physics and all these other shit that I don't even need considering that what I want to do has completely nothing to do with how a cow processes its food.Well,I suppose its easier to get a scholarship later on than it would be if I was in the Arts stream.But,honestly,Add Maths,yes,the one with the godly leveled equations,yes,that one.It escapes me.I guess I'm doing fairly well on Chemistry and Biology.But Physics =.=" When in the world am I ever going to have the time to calculate the velocity,acceleration,momentum of the car hurtling towards me in a great ball of fire or the specific heat capacity of my car as the other car is soaring towards mine.All I need to know is "Flying Car on Fire+My Direction=RUN" XD Well,enough of that.I shall now elaborate on my "Plate".

1.Taekwondo Tournaments

2.Taekwondo Training

3.Taekwondo Extra Training

4.Taekwondo School Club T-Shirts

5.Personal Training FOR Taekwondo

6.Debate Practice

7.Debate Competitions

8.Train and Guide Jr. Debaters

9.Plan and carry out activities for English Language Society

10.T-Shirts for the ELS

11.Plan and carry out activities for Chess Club

12.Chess Club T-Shirts

13.Chess Competitions (Maybe)

14.Finish writing the drama script

15.Drama rehearsals

16.Drama Competition

17.Additional Classes in School

So,yes =.=" I can no longer see my "Plate".This of course doesn't include the truckloads of homework and the profuse amount of tuitions I go for.And let's not forget the overbearing parents that insist on me studying for at least 2 hours a day which I find impossible unless I suddenly gain the magical ability to not need this one basic human necessity,SLEEP.

On that note,YES MOM AND DAD!I know SPM is coming!Why the hell did you think I was cracking my head and pouring over books during the freaking HOLIDAYS?

Well,lets just hope I don't crack before the big exam comes.I think thats about it for todays rant :)

CIAOX

Till April

Almost like the calm before the storm,the day preceding the night almost felt normal,like it was just an ordinary day with friends.We baked a cake for him,which didnt feel so out of the ordinary.We talked and laughed,as if nothing special was going to happen that night but deep down,all of us knew what was coming.

As we got ready,we busied ourselves with all the little things as an easy distraction I suppose.We got into the car and headed off to the airport.As the airport came into view,the atmosphere in the car definitely got heavier and as we drew closer to it,the atmosphere only got heavier and heavier.

So,we waited....and waited and waited for him to get there.The seconds were too long.And then we saw him which brought around a small bout of smiles and then a few faltered.We gave our gifts as some turned away.Some of us worked our faces to keep the tears from flowing.Some succeeded while some didnt.His tears came after seeing this.

We went to get a bite.We got our food and sat together.As we ate and chat,everything seemed almost normal again.Friends eating and laughing,not a care in the world....how short that illusion lasted.

It was time for him to go.And how uncomfortable it was being sad while being full of burgers and sodas.The fresh wave of tears came slowly but surely.One by one,we said our goodbyes.As he rode the escalator down,we waved and shouted our goodbyes,not minding the other people around.The tears now came in full force as we caught the last glimpse of our friend as he slowly disappeared from sight.

We remained there for a few moments to gather ourselves.We wiped off the remnants of the tears as we walked away.We went home,one friend short.

We miss you already Richard :) Hope you like'ed the stuff we got you and hope you do great over there!

Undefined

There's a special kind of relationship nobody ever talks about.It's not a very black/white affair.Its simply undefinable.I'm picking this out of what I saw in Doria's friend's blog.And I seriously agree.There's always that special place for that person but it's not the kind where it leads to a romantic conclusion.You definitely do care for the particular person alot more than you would any other person.So,yeah,I agree that once your in that place with a person,theres really no way for you to be JUST friends anymore.It's not going to be less or more either.The normal rules dont apply anymore.

CIAOX

Reprieve

A reprieve from the idiocy,

A reprieve from the self-delusioned,

And a reprieve from the blaring noise,

Please!

"The ignorant make the most noise",how true.

To New Beginnings

Yes,it is now a new year and thus marking the end of one of the best years of my life.Looking back and seeing the difference between my first post when I started this blog and now,I cant help but think "Why in the effing hell is this wanker PMS'ing on his blog?!" LOL XD Yea,I think I've reached a point in my life where I have my shizz straightened out.It's a pretty good feeling to know where you want to go and that feeling you get when you finally have something to work for.

So,here's my new year's resolution for 2010.

1.To get at least 8A+'s for SPM

2.To not be bothered by the little things

3.To forgive and forget

4.To hold off on matters of the heart for now

5.To not procrastinate

6.To never forget what I want

7.To never forget to work for what I want

8.To end this year just like I started it,with no regrets.

Now allow me to explain.LOL XD

1.Because I couldn't care less for my BM and PI,but if I can score an A for my BM,all the better

4.Because at this age,it's just not worth the drama,tears,perhaps some screaming and the overall immaturity of it. Hypocrisy,infantile maturity,abundant insecurities,raging hormones,owh yes,what a potent mix for stupidity.

So,yes,this be the end of this post.Hopefully,I shall be struck by inspiration to rant and prattle on about my life in the not to distant future.To New Beginnings!

CIAOX

Fire

Owh yes,I know where I want to go,I know what I want to do and it feels FRIGGIN AWESOME!....Well,too bad that there are soooooooooooooooo many things that can just stop my plan before it even comes into play.So,I'm hoping everything goes my way but I dont want to put myself out there and get my hopes high.If it happens,holy hell I would be frigging happy,and well,if it doesnt,then I guess I'm just going to have to revert to the old "safe" plan.But I cant help but feel like somebody has lit a fire in my head,the good kind and I just feel like laughing :D

I see now that we live in an extremely money orientated world.It's not like I didnt know before,its just that I've....confirmed it somewhat.If you have something that you want,you need money to get it.Especially if its something big.So I suppose it would be extremely naive to say money cant buy happiness.Never really thought that my own happiness would be so dependant on money.Owh well,I guess thats how the world works.

I realise that I have never been happier than I've been this year.2009 brought me some of the greatest friends I know :) times of clarity that are quite satisfying,acceptance that allowed me to "breathe",learning more about myself as a person wasnt bad XD and now,I know what I want to do with my life...well,at least for the next 5-6 years anyway XD Yes,my life was great this year.Now,whether or not things go my way,I'm ready for a good long slog for the next few years.

Well,I suppose thats it for this post.Let's hope it goes my way XD

CIAOX

Who be on the list?

Made my blog private yo!Just today,a special hippopotamus "begged" me for permission :D you know who you are XD LOL.