Oh,why can't men be allowed that occasional one day for the day just to be about them? Where they can behave like a man feels, even though he shouldn't, but deep inside all men want to be able to. To whine, be moody, and just be an affection whore, and be mollycoddled, and not be afraid of being viewed as any less of a man or even suffer any repercussions because of it. But hey, we can't do that. That's not what men do. We're strong. We're the rock. We're the unshakable trunk that must take charge or at the very least be solid. And most of the time, most of us are. But don't we get a break? I guess not.
I thought you ruined my life.I thought I would just have to give up on the entire institution of love.I thought that there wasn't any meaning to life anymore.I wanted to give up because I thought that if it hurt this much,it could happen again.Funny how you were my whole life,when I was just 14/15,when we weren't even a couple,without us even taking it further than a "I miss you" and talking to each other everyday.Oh,how green was I? I kind of fooled myself into this state of mind where I was in the relationship in my head when I had not even told you that I liked you.Though,I didn't think it needed to be said,like you yourself said,it was beyond obvious.
I was angry at myself for being so uninformed and not knowing what the natural order of these things were.I was angry at myself for being so slow in asking you to be with me exclusively.I was angry at myself for being so laid back in the matter,thinking that there was nothing to worry about.I was angry at myself for not doing anything even though there were moments of clarity where I did realise there was something to be worried about.I was angry at myself for saying yes to my best friend when he asked me if it was okay for him to start talking to you.I was angry at myself for being the one of the reasons behind my best friend getting together with you.
I was angry at you because you expected me to bare out everything that I wanted when you didn't budge an inch.I was angry at you because you didn't reject my best friend outright.I was angry at you because you didn't wait for me.I was angry at you because you didn't choose me.I was angry at you because in my head we were technically together and you getting together with him was like "cheating" as ridiculous as it sounds or even dumping me to be with my best friend.I was angry because I was an immature 15 year old who was just heartbroken by his first love,and in quite the spectacular fashion if I do say so myself.
Looking back,I can honestly say that I am no longer at myself or you.I was young and I didn't know any better.I'm big enough of a man to say that I was at fault and you were not.I am sorry for the unscrupulous drama that unfolded.I am sorry for my immaturity.
But,apologies aside,I must also thank you.I am extremely grateful towards you.I am grateful because that particular event was the catalyst that enabled me to mature as an individual.I am grateful because you helped me realise what kind of person I want to be.I am grateful because you helped me realise what kind of person do I want to be with.And finally,I am grateful because you helped me realise that the kind of person I want to be with is almost nothing like you.
Watching your relationship with my best friend play out kinda opened my eyes to the fact that I was incredibly lucky to not have been in a relationship with you.I am so grateful that I received the long end of the stick and was hurt in the short-run rather than further down the road.I had a front row seat in seeing how you grew up and played the "girlfriend" role,and now I look back and think WHOOOOAAAAA,I DODGED A BULLET THERE.
And so I wanted to try being just friends with you but surprise surprise,now that I've grown up a tad,I don't find it very stimulating being your friend.Though I will admit there is something about you that is fascinating.You have a spark that intrigues me.I find it attractive and fascinating because I have found no other girl that has that spark.You draw me in and still do,granted,its not in the same way you used to. But that doesn't redeem you of the plethora of things that make me glad that you did not choose me.
In conclusion,I don't really care anymore whether or not you stay in my life.I'm glad to say,I don't need you.
Aaah,the smell of a neglected blog.Refreshing it is.Makes me want to....go back to Tumblr,but I shall try to resist the urge.Its hard to find inspiration when your being pelted with books,left,right and center.Alas,examination hangs over me like an ominous guillotine.Lets hope the stress is at its peak or I might just...........
Now before we go on,I would like to fulfill a request made by a dear friend of mine.
FF-related it is Sean :)
Aaaaah yes,Final Fantasy.How I've missed thee dear chum.An enduring partner in helping me get through the food deprived month.
I think I just might be the only person that hasn't played Final Fantasy 13.To some of you,this might seem petty and you may say "So?" but being an FF-fanatic,this is an incredible act of shame on my part.I have marred my perfect SquareEnix record.
Moving on! :)
I have my eyes set.She has curves that could kill.She looks as fine as lemon lime in the summer time.And I'm hoping she sounds just as good as she looks.I'll be looking forward to the day where I finally get my hands on that body and caress that supple neck.Twist her knobs....Wait,wait,wait,before you get carried away,you should know what I'm talking about.....pfft,pervs.
Classic Series 70s Stratocaster®, Maple Fretboard , Natural
Mmmm,look at that beauty.Keeping in mind that I'm a noob when it comes to guitars,I took the advice of a dear friend of mine and made myself a list.And this one is sure as hell going on the list.I have close to no knowledge when it comes to parts,sounds and technicalities,so I wont even try to list out and explain the specs of the guitar at risk of self embarrassment :)
So,I think I've fulfilled my daily quota of mindless, direction-less,ranting.Hope inspiration will not fail me this time around.Till the next selectively random post.
I don't understand my incessant need for approval.It's as if I need to be validated for every little thing I do,every little thing I think up or the way I see things.What vexes me even more,is that I do things my way anyway,despite what anybody else might say.So,yes,it confuses me why I look for approval and throw it aside like yesterdays ham-sandwich once I get it or couldn't care less if if I didn't.I cant put it in words,how this feels like,so I'm afraid this will be a half-assed description.
Hmm,I've found that blogging can be very therapeutic.
Went to the AGAPE church.....wait,let me finish before you judge me :)..to watch a play."Bow the Knee" it was tittled.Very good it was.Hats off to the choir,who,personally,was mind blowing.Acting and singing was all good.And while I was watching,a certain SEXY of mine went back to the "Land of Excessive Methane Emissions".Went MAMAK(Malaysia's saving grace) after that.It was all good fun.
Ahhh,as the year progresses,the analogical cloud of my depression seems to just grow darker.Though I highly doubt that the "massive turnaround" I was hoping for,is going to happen.It's all downhill from here baybeh!
Today has only reinforced the desire of breaking the cage,spitting on it and flying away.The frequency of my returns shall be most debatable.It has been made quite obvious that what is right and what is wrong does not matter anymore.It's all about keeping them good and happy for now.
True,SPM is looming over me like Godzilla's really fat mother.
True,I don't exactly have as much freedom as I used to.
But,I am content :) My world is upright now.
My life is no longer a puzzle where all the pieces don't fit.
For now,I got my head on right.Nothing to do with my
"I know what I want to do with my life"post though.
A completely different matter.
Well,it's been ages since my last proper post.The last one was just lyrics,so it doesn't count :) I think I've made it clear from the above that I'm in a good place in my life now.And dayumm does it feel good! XD The only wish I have is that I could rid myself of the constant buzz-kill,namely,SPM and I could have the party,friends and freedom to compliment this feeling :D But,alas,I shall have to slog it out for another 8 months.
Well,a certain SEXY of mine is coming back in about 5 days,so,thats something to look forward too :D Thank god I made a deal with my parents,for the 2 weeks my Guitar Overlord returns,I shall be released from my cage and shall gleefully dance and skip around the lands.I know it sounds gay.Don't judge me :D
Well,I think I better stop here,at risk of sounding redundant.